Bear poop.

This is the third time I've started this post. Because I get easily confused by error messages sent by the gremlins in my computer.

Anyway, finally "got" the toilet paper commercials with the bears in the woods and the shitting and all that. At least I assume that's what the commercial is about. The one where the animated bears dance around with toilet paper, wiggle their asses and wax rhapsodic about this toilet paper. Yeah, I was totally grossed out.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against animated bears and if they're practicing good hygiene, good for them. I adored the Berenstain Bears. The books more so than the Saturday morning cartoon. I think because I could imagine the subversive content better while reading than while watching Papa Bear who reminded me of Michael Landon. And not the Little House Michael Landon. The Highway to Heaven one. Otherwise known as Evil Michael Landon. Because honestly, a highway? To heaven? Shouldn't that be a lovely, myrrh and incense strewn path where one can always stop and smell the fucking roses? Or something.

Anyway,

(It's very hard to find a picture of just Papa Bear. He's really just a true family man.)

Back to the toilet paper bears. The commercials always made me imagine bears pooping because, honestly, that's what they were advertising. Toilet paper strong enough to handle bear poop. Were all the ad execs stoned? This made me go out of my way to not buy this toilet paper, because goddamnit, I was not using the same sanitary products as a woodland creature. I can barely (hee!) handle the thought of large dog poop. Because not every dog is as cute as this one.

Or this one.

And cute dogs have cute poop. It's just math, people. It's not hard.

The epiphany: This toilet paper is great for "bear" bottoms.

Are you fucking kidding me?